Look before you Leap.

July 30, 2018

 

At the start of 2018 , I launched my Website Full Circle . I had decided to retrain as a Reiki Master /Teacher, I joined  Neal's Yard Organics as an Independent consultant and had just finished an NLP Practitioner course as well as working part time with a Disability Charity.

So this has been a year of change . I hit the tender  age of 60 in January ,the realisation that I have a lot less years ahead of me now than behind me became a reality.

 

 Change is happening every minute , so why do we fight and struggle with Impermanance ? I am getting older , we all are . No amount of Botox , short skirt's and starving yourself will stop this process . We  can pretend we are are as young as we feel , that age is just a number or we can throw ourselves out of a plane or some other mad adventure. {some do } to prove we can still cut it and keep up with the young ones. Personally none of those activities do it for me .

I feel very grateful and blessed that I have reached this pinnacle age alive and with good health .

The world I live in now appears to be a very different place to the one I grew up in .I was fortuanate to be surrounded by hills , trees and countryside and the freedom to play safely from morning until night . I lived 2 miles from the nearest village, to see my friends we had to walk there and back keeping us fit and fat free.

School was even further away and everyday we were picked up with all the other rural kids by school bus and shipped to civilisation . 

Needless to say as a teenager I felt isolated and always felt other's lives were better than mine ,I lived for the day I could escape the land of the nowhere.

Those years seem so far away now and I often yearn for the simplicity and freedom I appeared to have then  . I've used the word" appeared" twice in this paragraph . Our lives looked back on always seem rosy as we reminisce on  the good old days . 

No social media , Mr Google , TV had just arrived . Telephone calls would be vetted and policed and bills scrutinised by my parents , try talking to your latest boyfriend with your father telling you to get off the phone every few second's .

Looking back I wonder what would I have been able to do and achieve if I had the opportunities teenagers have today .Was it really better back then or is our Rose tinted  glass just becoming a bit more glazed again.

Do I feel grateful that our world is changing ? Yes I do. Without  change our live's would be pretty dull and unexciting on a daily basis.

I often ask myself what my grandmother would have made of me "Starting and Running my own business " at an age when she was tightning up her girdle , and putting her rollers on before bed . 

My biggest fear as a child was "Crimplene" For those of you able to remember those disgusting flowery , slippery dresses and stockings they made me cringe and I used to live in fear of looking that way as I aged . 

Have I ever worn crimplene . NO WAY .It makes me giggle to think what went on in that little mind of mine .

I am very grateful life has changed as I have the freedom that my Grandmother or Mum never had . 

 

My children have flown the nest and I am certainly not a grandparent that wants to take over the childcare role and be a permanant babysitter. I love my grand children and giving them back is a pleasure, especially after the aftermath of a  day's play at our house.

 

 

I have always been a restless soul , searching and feeling a bit of a misfit ,prefering a good book to a night out on the town . (The last bit is still true )

I have finally realised I no longer have to search as I have always been here and I now relish the misfit label , be it that it can be a bit lonely at times . Accepting myself as I am with all my insecurities has been the tough bit ."What you see is what you get with me ",slightly eccentric , damaged goods and an avid passion and understanding of what makes people tick .

All the jobs I have done , the people I have worked with , my husband , children and grandchildren have been my lessons. The clients I have seen over the last five years have been my biggest teacher's . I have seen and dealt with people in their lowest state . I have witnessed people who have chosen illness /drugs/alchohol over living an authentic life where the prison they have built keeps people at a distance and them isolated.This choice is far from safe but as time goes on and the prescription list get's longer it becomes harder and harder to break down those walls .I have seen how easy it can be to become one of societies "walking dead".

Overcoming Fear is a big thing but allowing other's to take responsibility for your life choices and health is far worse.

Mental health has always been a big issue for me , perhaps that's why I have been able to understand and show empathy in the worst of circumstances even if it doesn't match with my own morals and values .

I struggled with Depression from about fifteen and I can still remember the knots in my stomach as a young child before any conflict , special event or change .As I got older and life events increased , my dark day's deepened . I can still look at photograph's where I look the picture of happiness , it is amazing how well you can hide your true feeling's to avoid criticism and allowing people to see your vunerability .

I went through tough times and always felt that I would find the answer in the next overseas trip or job ,even believing that once I became a mother all my problem's would melt away , that certainly was not the case .

 

I am proud to say I spent my years searching for answers of why I was the way I was because I never would have been where I am today without putting myself through this process. It is painful facing your gremlins , childhood and past choices and finally seeing that the  prison of  depression I had built was a  safer place than facing the world outside and no amount of  stuffing my feelings down with food would ever make my pain go away .

 

Finally I  feel excited about my life ahead , the future and the constant change's I have to face daily to put one step in front of the next . I still get dark moment's and battle with my perfectionist tendencies every day but I now have a bag of tools and a deep understanding of myself that I can pick myself up , brush myself down and move forward.

 

Tommorrow I take yet another leap of faith this time a lot older and wiser and a little more worn but a knowing that I am making the right decision . 

I am walking away from a job that I know longer need , I am no longer a rescuer . I have learnt that people heal and change when they are ready and no amount of money thrown at them will do this .

I no longer feel the need to fix and make others lives better .

I believe we all know the answers , sometimes we just need people to walk beside us and hold us until we are ready to fly .

So as I take this step and leap into trusting myself to know best .I do this  because I want to live a life worth living , help others and serve .That is my purpose.

Making a difference and helping others embrace the person they have been all the time and to love themselves more is my mission. Life is not about big houses , posh cars and world cruises , although a trip to India is on my list of  wishes. {I still have dreams }

I am looking forward to teaching Reiki in the Autumn ,guiding people to find their true selves and to live outside the constraints of the society and world which we have  projected to us through the screens in our living rooms and smart phones.I am excited about carrying on my work with the Elderly in a different form and looking forward to my future work with  the Countess Mountbatten Hospice .

I am excited about building my Neal's yard Organic business , I have already met some amazing people and love the contrast to my work as a therapist . I have many parts to my personality that need attending too.  

I believe we never stop growing and learning ,its all in the journey and if that journey begins at 60 again , so be it .

 

 

                                      

 

 

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